Live and Learn

We were grilling out. Steak with veggies. Yum! After I cut the peppers and onions, I decided to chop up the watermelon. Figured it would compliment the summer inspired meal nicely.

And it probably would have... if it didn't taste like onions. I was lazy and on a roll. So while I used a different knife for the veggies and the watermelon, I used the same cutting board. Thus, onion infused watermelon. Not very good.

Man pleads with wife: Please stop with the laundry

It happened. Again.

As you may recall, M has asked me on several occasions to stop doing his laundry.

So I may have shrunk a t-shirt or 20. And sorta broke the laundry machine. And still call it a laundry machine. Does that really disqualify me from doing the laundry?

I like to sleep in M's t-shirts. Their big and comfy. So I think it's only fair that after I sleep in them, I wash them. Am I right?

Well, last night, M came home from work and went upstairs to change.

M: "Hon! Seriously?" side note: we have a bajillion nicknames for each other, none of which are anything normal like, babe, honey, etc. But I get "Hon" when M's exasperated with me.

Me: "What's wrong?"

M: "Did you wash my Guns & Roses T-shirt?"

Me: "Uh, maybe, why?" Never admit guilt immediately...

M: "Because now it's really tight in the shoulders and way too short." M. was now standing at the top of the stairs in a t-shirt that was indeed hilariously too tight and short. Opps! "Didn't I ask you to stop washing my t-shirts?"

Me: I burst out laughing and started to explain, "I thought it was only the WHITE t-shirts that shrunk. I didn't know the regular t-shirts would also shrink...." The look on his face was enough to make me stop and listen to myself.

Ok, but in my defense, I really thought his white undershirts shrunk because he didn't buy the "preshrunk" kind or something. My regular t-shirts never shrink, so I'm not sure why his did. M said it was because it's a cotton shirt and cotton shrinks in high heat.

Please let the record show: There is an absence of malice in the case of the shrunken t-shirts.

And I'm really, really sorry!

Fail: Fiance’s Laundry

I was home one morning waiting for the cable guy to show up and install my cherished cable, DVR and wireless Internet. With no technology to entertain me, I decided to tackle our piles of laundry.

I should note – I showed my fiancé where I set up our communal laundry basket several times. Each time he said, “ok, thanks” but continued to throw his stuff in his own laundry basket. I just figured he must have a really short term memory. So on laundry day, I brought both baskets down to the laundry room and got to work.

I’m not big on separating colors. My method is simple: all nice clothes in cold water; towels, sheets, gym clothes, socks and undies in hot.

I was nearly finished (and quite proud of myself) when my phone rang.

Fiancé : Hey, what are you up to?
Me: (enthusiastically) Laundry!
Fiancé: Ohhh, ok… Well just leave mine upstairs. You don’t have to do it. I’ll get to it later this week.
Me: (still enthusiastic) Well I was going to surprise you, but I already did yours, too!
Fiancé: (pause) Oh. (pause) You did? You didn’t wash my t-shirts in hot water or dry them on high heat, did you?
Me: Um, no (LIE!), why?

Opps! Apparently men’s undershirts shrink easily in high heat and my fiancé isn’t a fan of too tight, belly baring t-shirts. Who can blame him?

I should have known he doesn’t actually have a short term memory at all. He knew exactly what he was doing when he kept his laundry separate. It was his way of keeping me from ruining his clothes without hurting my feelings.

Guess I missed the memo on that one!

Square One for the Domestically Deficient

I was born deprived of the domesticity gene – which is really hard to believe considering my genealogy. For as long as I can remember, my mom has played Domestic Goddess at home, while maintaining her full-time career. And so far my younger sister is shaping up to follow in her foot steps. So how can it be that I don’t have an ounce of domestic ability in me?

I’ve learned the basics through trial and error – lots of errors:

Cooking:
If you’re boiling water for Mac & Cheese and the flame disappears, don’t assume the stove is off. Gas is probably leaking into your kitchen, setting the scene for a massive explosion when you relight that burner. [Fail: 8th grade]

Baking:
No matter how long you beat the egg, water and oil with the mixer, it will never look like cake batter unless you add the cake mix. [Fail: 9th grade]

Laundry:
New sweat pants usually leave a million fuzz balls behind during the first wash. Thus, washing them with your nice “party tops” is not a good idea (unless you want to buy all new clothes). [Fail: sophomore year of college]

Cleaning:
Repainting the old retro-colored bathroom tiles to give the room a little face lift works great. But it does require the use of gentle, all-natural cleansers when cleaning. If you spray the heavy-duty stuff and start scrubbing you’ll likely remove a layer or two (or all) of the paint. [Fail: last year]

Ironing:
Trying to iron the bottom of your dress when you're already wearing it is more complicated than it sounds. The probability of removing all of your wrinkles is low, considering it’s impossible to reach the back of the dress. Plus you run the risk of knocking over the whole ironing board with one clumsy movement. [Fail: one month ago]

Given my track record, it’s no wonder my own mother asked me what I was planning to contribute to my household when the news broke that the fiancé and I are buying a house. My reply: “Show up and look good?”

My fiancé – bless him – accepts me despite my domestic deficiency, but I don’t want to be this way forever. So I’m determined to find quick, but quality house keeping techniques and share my trials, tribulations and successes with all of you along the way.

And I hope that you’ll let me in on your secrets, too!